What if I did?
“A moment of severe desolation… A sense of complete helplessness.”
This is how Zina Akselova, 20, describes her attempt to commit a suicide after she found out that her ex boyfriend has been married.
“It was a nightmare,” she says. “I was feeling like I was standing on a line between life and death.”
Born and raised in a small Bulgarian town called Knezha, Zina comes from a family of agriculturists.
“Agriculture has been passed through generations in my family.” she explains. “My grandfather used to work in agriculture together with his father and grandfather. And now my dad is an agriculturist as well.”
She has a strong desire to support the family business which makes her follow the steps of her sister and major in Agriculture at the Agricultural University in Plovdiv, Bulgaria.
“Ever since I was a kid, I have always wanted to help my parents develop our agricultural company,” she explains. “My sister and I are willing to reach the highest point in our family business.”
But Zina’s ambitious goal to become successful was put on hold when she met her ex boyfriend Daniel, 27.
“It was a spectacular moment of deep affection,” she remembers. “A gentle touch on the heart.”
Soon after she started dating him, she was obsessed with their moments together.
“I wanted to stay with him as much as possible,” she shares. “A moment with him was equal to a moment in heaven. We were kissing and hugging all the time. I was totally in love with him.”
Even though both Zina and Daniel used to enjoy their relationship, there was something suspicious in Daniel’s behavior.
“I was never welcome at his place,” she admits. “He promised to introduce me to his family, but every time I raised the question, he was always making excuses.”
A few months later, she decided to surprise Daniel by visiting him at his house with a birthday present.
“It was a very special ocassion for me,” she explains. “I was planning to wake him up with a big teddy bear in my hands and say ‘Surprize!’.”
Eventually, though, she was the one who was surprised when she went to his place.
“It was bright early in the morning,” she recalls. “I knocked on the door hoping that his mom will let me in so I can go to his room and surprise him. But the woman who opened the door was not Daniel’s mother. That was his wife.”
As soon as she found out that Daniel has been married, Zina went back home, and a few hours later, he contacted her to say goodbye.
“He broke up with me on the phone and never called again,” she shares while trying to hide her tears. “I felt like I was struck by a lightening. He’d been lying to me for months.”
Her disappointment resulted in a severe emotional breakdown.
“I was crying all week,” she says. “I didn’t want to eat or sleep. Sometimes, I would wake up in the middle of the night being unable to breathe for a few seconds. It was awful.”
The pressure coming from her feelings put her out of control.
“I was in a moment of severe desolation,” she describes. “A sense of complete helplessness.”
On 8 Nov. 2021, Zina tried to commit a suicide.
“At 3 am I walked out of my room and went to the basement. I had prepared a suicide rope the day before and tied it to the ceiling,” she admits. “I put a box of books below. Then I step on the box and closed my eyes. It was a nightmare. I was feeling like I was standing on a line between life and death.
When she finally found the courage to kill herself, her sister showed up.
“My sister came in and started screaming,” she remembers. “I panicked, and a few seconds later, I fainted.”
Her sister immediately called an ambulance and in the next few seconds her parents were already getting her out of the basement.
Zina came back to consciousness a few minutes before the ambulance came. She was taken to the hospital where the doctors examined her and concluded that there is nothing to worry about.
“I was holding my sister’s hand all the way to the hospital.” she says. “The doctors said that everything is okay and that I just need to relax.”
Zina promised herself that she will never do this again.
“I gave myself a word that I’ll get better and I’ll never ever try to do anything like that,” she says. “Since then, I haven’t even touched the door of the basement, as I’m too scared to see that place again.”
Now, Zina is back to her initial plan to follow her dreams and leave everything else in the past.
“I’ve made up my mind to achieve my goals and forget about all of that,” she promises. “Thanks to my sister, I didn’t kill myself. But sometimes, I wonder… What if I did?”
This is an article designed for AUBG Digital Storytelling Spring 2022.
Special thanks to Zina Akselova who shared her story for us!
